Disabling All of the Airbags

by Cruella Fernandez

Editorís Note: The following column contains HateSpeech and may be unsuitable for The Children.

First of all, let me say I am not mean spirited. Iím not. So donít start on me.
I just read that the National Traffic Safety Board or some such outfit has decided you can apply for a permit to disable airbags if you can document that they (the airbags, I mean) present a hazard to you or your children. The government wants to allow you, in certain cases, to install a switch that will prevent the airbag from inflating.
Under the new regulations, you must submit an application to the government stipulating the number of children you have and why you think your airbags are hazardous. If you falsify the application, you are subject to felony perjury charges.
Although airbag deflation is clearly a good idea, I donít think the new law goes far enough. I also think it contains too much red tape to get the job done right. There are simply too many airbags and too little time. If weíre going to disable some airbags, I think we should start with the people who came up with this legislation--and I donít picture them issuing permits for the sweeping reforms I have in mind.
Therefore, I think we should use long, sharp pins rather than electrical switches. We need to make sure we disable them permanently--otherwise, theyíll be asking for special parking places and entitlement programs for disabled airbags.
Picture a press conference with a government airbag giving a long-winded speech about some new program heís advocating.
"Therefore, my new proposal will set aside $30 billion to protect the habitat of the Iowa Pleistocene Snail from further encroachment by...Sssssssssssssssssss..."
At this point, the government airbag caroms around the room like a balloon, bouncing off the walls and finally landing in a heap in the corner. A nice image, I think.
Picture our sanctimonious twit of a president holding court in the Rose Garden.
"It is Wrong. We must stop the purveyors of hate from infecting our children with their venomous speech and their half-baked ideas of constitutional protection for evil thoughts and...Ssssssssssssssss..."
I like this.
How about the Right Reverend Jesse Jackson?
"We hab gots to foam a Co-a-LISH-un. Ub de poe. An de...Sssssssssssssss..."
The peace and quiet will be beautiful. Visualize a world without Peter Jennings and Judy Woodruff. Picture a society where you can turn on your TV without having to fight an irresistible urge to throw a shoe through the screen.
Yes, airbag deflation is an idea whose time has come. The sooner we get started, the better. The cost is low and the benefits are priceless. So write your congressman today and support this new plan. Youíll be glad you did.

© 1997 SacredBull - Because Ridicule is a Weapon