Death of a Young Republican

by Todd Gillespie

Back in the days of the dawning of the Age of Aquarius and Jesus Christ, Superstar, there was a grade-school kid who went to public school every morning and said the Pledge of Allegience.
In history class, he learned about the patriots who fought and died to overthrow a corrupt king and establish a new nation: a country where people could think, speak, and worship as they saw fit. A country where the citizens could carry firearms to ensure that the people would never again be subject to the whims of a tyrannical government. He learned about George Washington. As the morality tale went, young George chopped down a cherry tree and, when confronted, confessed because he "could not tell a lie."
Back in those days, it was fashionable for parents to tell their children, "If you are honest like George Washington was, study hard and do your homework, you can grow up to be President of the United States."
Because he was just a little kid, this youngster was not particularly interested in politics. But he knew he lived in the greatest country in the world. Everybody knew that. This was a country where freedom was guaranteed. Not like in Russia, where the government watched the peoples' every move and punished them if they disagreed with what the ruling class said they should believe.
In 1980, Ronald Reagan was elected President. President Reagan said the government should be restrained. President Reagan said the people of the United States could become whatever they wanted to be. President Reagan sounded just like the history teachers from grade school! A Young Republican was born.
Of course, not all of President Reagan’s agenda was implemented, and the government grew under Reagan, too - but that was all because of the no-good Democrats in Congress. The Young Republican was indignant that President Reagan had to operate in such a hostile environment.
After serving two terms, President Reagan retired. But his vice president, George Bush, easily defeated some little guy who looked silly sitting in a tank wearing a helmet that covered half his head.
President Bush promised to keep doing what President Reagan had done. But President Bush lied. He promised not to raise taxes, then he raised taxes. He promised to streamline the government, and then he signed all kinds of goofy new laws that didn’t make sense. The government grew and grew.
It was pretty cool when President Bush bombed the crap out of Iraq. Right there on CNN, we saw how powerful the United States was. We were proud to be Americans. But then...President Bush "quit" right before he won! What was up with that? And exactly what was a "New World Order?"
When Bill Clinton appeared on the scene, it was easy to be a Young Republican. Before even taking office, Clinton suddenly realized it wouldn’t be possible to cut taxes as he had promised. His first action as President was to try and let overt sodomites into the Armed Forces. This was followed shortly by a plan to socialize the country’s health care system.
Something had to be done to stop the Clintons. Fortunately, there was the 1994 election. The Young Republican happily punched a straight Republican ticket. So did a lot of other people. And it came to pass that both houses of Congress were wrested from the control of the evil Democrats for the first time in 40 years. Yep, the 104th Congress would surely save the country. The Young Republican breathed easier. He could hardly wait to see what the new Republican Congress would do.
Here is a list of some of the laws that came out of the 104th Congress:
* A national database of employed people
* 100 pages of new "health care crimes," for which the penalty is (among other things) seizure of assets from both doctors and patients
* Confiscation of assets from any American who establishes foreign citizenship
* The largest gun confiscation act in U.S. history - which is also an unconstitutional ex post facto law and the first law ever to remove peoples’ Constitutional rights for committing a misdemeanor
* A law banning guns in ill-defined school zones; random roadblocks may be used for enforcement; gun-bearing residents may become federal criminals just by stepping outside their doors or getting into their vehicles
* Increased funding for the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms
* A law enabling the executive branch to declare various groups "terrorist" - without stating any reason and without the possibility of appeal. Once a group has been so declared, its mailing and membership lists must be turned over to the government
* A law authorizing secret trials with secret evidence for certain classes of people
* A law requiring that all states begin issuing drivers licenses carrying Social Security numbers and "security features" (such as magnetically coded fingerprints and personal records) by October 1, 2000.
The Young Republican was dismayed. Still, he held his nose through the summer of 1996 and tried to talk people into voting for Bob Dole (who, as Senate Majority Leader, had compromised away most of the Contract With America). Surely anything would be better than four more years of Willie and the Witch. Night after night, the Young Republican prayed that the people of the United States would rise up and evict those malignant lumps from the White House. It wasn’t a question of politics. It was a question of decency.
But Bob Dole, who would have a hard time inspiring most people to scratch their butts, did not inspire too many people to give him their votes. Apparently, most people by that time had given up on the political process. Barely half of the registered voters even bothered to cast a ballot. The Young Republican was among them, and he dutifully went to the polls at 7:05 a.m. and dutifully punched a straight Republican ticket.
For the benefit of those who have more recently moved through the public school system, allow me to explain. I was the Young Republican.
Last November, this Young Republican declared defeat along with the Sominex Man from Kansas. It took 16 years, but the Grand Old Party had let me down for the last time. Ever.
I have had it with these people from both parties who treat their sacred oath to defend the Constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic, as toilet paper.
Today, I describe myself as a "bomb-throwing anarchist." In reality, I’ve never even seen a bomb, much less thrown one. But I figure I can start by throwing verbal bombs. And I have a little newsflash for you, you traitorous Republican bags of scum: This former Young Republican, and a whole lot like me, have withdrawn from your rotten system. A lot of us have decided that you have betrayed our trust for the last time. But our withdrawal from your limp-wristed Grand Old Party does not in any way constitute acquiescence to your treason.
Oh, no.
You see, being members of the opposition party all these years, supporting you while you sold us down the river, has strengthened us. And when enough of your erstwhile supporters have flown the coop, you will get your just reward.
You will be laughed out of existence. The once-great United States will finally complete its slide into totalitarianism. Then we’ll have us a rumble. It will be great fun to watch you try and compromise your way out of that one.

Note: The list of laws passed by the 104th Congress is excerpted from an essay by Claire Wolfe entitled "Pearl Harbor Legislation."

© 1997 Todd Gillespie. Permission to reprint freely granted, provided the article is reprinted in full and that any reprint is accompanied by this copyright statement.